I haven't have the urge to blog in a while, not since I found a consistent someone to babble to, but... ... Yeah, never mind.

To be honest, I kinda miss the times before February. For one, everyone was where they were supposed to be; besties are all still around, brother still around, parents are overly available. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone else to talk to when someone is not available. It's... ...lonely, now. I miss having someone there for me.

This absence of everyone really kinda messes with your head. 10 minutes ago I was scrolling down my phone list to find someone to randomly blab about my horrible horrible day but I ended up here to rant instead; never thought I would sink so low. I'm not angry, I'm not mad, and I'm not depressed; I'm just very slightly annoyed, honestly.

So my horrible day starts with me waking up at normal time - I wanted to wake up earlier cause grandparents want to eat breakfast outside and I'm supposed to fetch them and I thought the earlier we go the earlier I get to come back and study. But ok, nevermind. Then after breakfast grandmother dragged my time asking me to wait awhile she get vegetables; I ended up waiting nearly an hour. By the time I got home it was nearly noon. But ok, nevermind. Planned to study wit April at Starbucks, waited for brother to get ready cause he said he wanted to go out also, nearly half-an-hour later he decided he's not going. But ok, nevermind. Studied at Starbucks, but then I realized it's almost impossible to study Public Speaking. Ok, nevermind. Around 4.30 I got a call from grandmother saying we left her vegetables in my car and she tells me there are fish and prawns inside. Rushed back home to freeze them and my car smells like rotten seafood now but ok, nevermind. Got home and found nothing to eat and still failed ordering pizza. But ok, nevermind, cause boyf called for a short while and also promised that he'll call again after he bath, which cheered me up. Turns out he forgot and went gaming while I was checking my phone every 10 minutes wondering why his bath took so long, but ok, nevermind, cause parents skyped me from China and I blabbed to them, but daddy laughed at me saying I talk too much sometimes. So ok, nevermind, cause I'm going upstairs to study again. So, nevermind.

I am not angry I am not mad, but I am not fine either. I'm annoyed. And have you ever felt so annoyed that you feel like crying but then crying makes my eyes puffy so nevermind, cause I bought ice cream and I'm gonna eat 'em!

So it's a really boring, long-winded ranting kind of post, but those of you who are still here reading this, thank you because you are here for me, however distantly. And thank you for knowing about my day.

I am updating in Public Speaking class LOL.

So I have been sick on and off, on and off, for the whole week. Fever, cold, diarrhoea, the fever again. In a sense I think I want to be sick. I now it sound's weird, but I really just wanna lie down and sleep like there's no tomorrow and have an excuse for it. Blahhhh.

I haven't been doing so good recently, study-wise. I have cleared off all assignments and presentations accumulated due to ISAC and Brastagi trip; but I realized I have so much more to do. Finals are coming up in exactly one month. I am quite confident about Public Speaking, but Psychology and Anthropology is killing me. I have started revising a few chapters in Psychology so I guess I'll be able to finish in time; but GAWD. The Anthropology textbook is soooo dry. Facts facts facts facts, very very few pictures, and the style of writing just wants to put me to sleep. I am dooooooooooooomed. :(

Ok, Miss Angeline is eyeing me. I have to stop here.

JY

-The feeling you get when you lost contact with the world for a couple of days, and you come back and find everyone else has moved on leaving you behind; now that is depressing.

-I like last year's birthday; the other 17 years, not so much. I don't know about the ones I can't remember, but all those I can, I don't specially enjoy. When you expect much, you be let down much more. I am not the kind of person whom the world celebrates as I grow a year older; I hoped to be, but I'm not.

-I know it's only a couple of days left, but I'm tired and I'm exhausted of missing you all the time.

-Brastagi trip wasn't as bad as I expected, but it's no blast either. The thing is that when I came back I just feel like I'm back to the place I didn't leave and you did.

-Some people think I'm strong, I'm not. My strength is not with me at the moment.

-I am having a lot of trouble finding things that would cheer me up recently. Things don't entertain me.

-You'd think a vacation would do you good. My vacation gave me a fever, a backache, and tonnes of work left undone. And it wasn't even a vacation I chose to go to. I went because there wasn't enough not-too-old-people or not-too-young-people to take care of the too-old-people and the too-young-people. The only thing good about it was that I had a lot of good pictures taken.

-I find that I stop having the urge to blog. Recent events have caused me to realize that the feeling of wanting to share thoughts and ponders is directed to only a few people. What's the point.

-I am a sad sad sad miserable piece of human being. I am better off existing in non-existance. Please ignore me.

-I cry. I am freaking sentimental. I cry.

-I miss you; why is that so hard to grasp? And why is the feeling so hard to get used to?

JY

Please excuse me. I am a lazy blogger. Plus, I have loads to do these days.





OK, fine. I am just plain lazy.
kthxbai

JY

When I first got into a relationship with my boyf I told only 4 people. 2 of whom have left the country; one other is not in Penang; the only one of them in Penang needs to study for her SPMs; and my boyf is across the sea 2 hours away. So, no. No one gets to tease me about how much a stalker I'm being; because I miss them, so yeah, I am an avid stalker. I miss them.

JY

I miss everyone.

JY

you are my greatest gift

:')

Seeeeee, I dunno why I stop feeling like blogging all of a sudden. Ok fine I do actually know why D: I really need to get back to continuous blogging again; I've missshed bloggie! *cross my heart*

New semester is here! Funnily enough, I only realize the amount of credit hours you have doesn't really matter if you're going to Australia; they assess your admission on a case-by-case basis, so what really matters are the grades. Made a bold decision: taking only 3 subjects for this long semester - Psychology, Anthropology, and Public Speaking. Anthro is really really interesting! Psychology was kinda disappointing, cuz I don't like kinda-bio-related stuff, and the first 3 chapters is... ... bio. :(

Angeline (public speaking lecturer) is really really cool! I don't often mean it when I say someone is cool but, she's cool cool. She swears. In class. Very loudly. Uncensored. HELL YEAAAA. (sneaky grin)

Been going through a lot lately, not the obvious kind of 'a lot', but I've just been wavering between the February intake and the July intake. Loads of realizations, loads of conflicting importance; the most obvious decisions, but the hardest to make. The weight of growing up, I guess? It drags you down, and really makes you think - not for me myself but consequences of people around me. Its just... ... kinda depressing. I mean I guess people say it's for the better, but I kinda like the childish carefree me better. Also, (totally random but) the workload of the conference + Society is killing me. So I'm sorry if I seem snappy, but my general mood nowadays is below the neutral line.

PS: Sneaky sneaky little feet got busted. No sneaking for a while. :(
PPS: I kinda, kinda miss the brother. Just a little bit.

JY

freeze the time please please pretty please

When you wanted that movie you called me twice a day to ask when you could get it. Now I schedule a meeting and I reach your voicemail 9 out of 10 times I call you. This cannot be a conincidence. Fine if you don't wanna come, but just freaking send me a text.

And mummy is pouring me vodka again. =S

JY
getting cranky cause i miss you like mad

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you’re not around,
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all

JY
I am duper selfish

Why do I always tend to feel like blogging when I have so much to do?!?!

So. Mass Com's final exam is tomorrow, then SEMBREAK! This is the most anticipated holiday of my life! *jumps up and down* Okay no actually I anticipate every holiday BUT STILL!!! :D
This semester has been hectic like shit; I needed a break =/

Agenda for this sembreak:
SLEEP! I'm omfg sleep-deprived now
Stuff for ISAC
Read. Do you know how long it's been since I actually sat down and actually read a nice book?
Shop. Need a new cardigan. And formal wear. Urgent!
Visit darlie in Kepala Batas. And fetch her back to Penang <3
Catch up with girls. It's been agggggggggees
Swim! omg flab under my arms D:
Movies. I swear I'm gonna finish watch everything on my HD
SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP

*ok i'm hyper cuz i'm sleep-deprived and i'm high on redbull now

JY
i miss you like mad :(

Word of this semester:
SHIT

Definition: A not-so-rude rude word that a not-so-rude rude person use when in circumstances of dismay, displeasure, shock, amazement, sarcasm, sudden realization and all other situation which causes a person to swear.

1) Shit! I need to pass up my assignment tomorrow and I haven't touched it yet! x(
2) Shit, that shit is shit disgusting. :|
3) Hah?! Today is the due date ah?! SHIT! >;0
4) Did you see that?! Shit, I am awesome! :D
5) No shit. -.-
6) Shit, I think I miss you. T.T

JY
Damnnnnnnn.

Hell yeah.

JY

I have a confession to make. And it's like freaking weird. Random, yes, but damn weird.

Sometimes when I am in a bad mood but I cannot afford to be in a bad mood (like when I have an assignment due tomorrow and I have to do it instead of hiding under my blanket and brawl), I put on my favourite dress and go on doing what I have to do (like my assignment).

It sickens me that I think I am slightly psychotic? Eww.

JY
i'm putting rice in the bottle
everytime i miss you :)

As I am typing this I have 7 pages of Mass Com assignment (due Monday), a programme budget and final programme flow for Kevin (due yesterday T.T), and my ethics short answers thingy (idk when it's due) left TOTALLY UNTOUCHED. By untouched I mean haven't even started, like not even an empty document file exists for them. And I have NOT been procrastinating. *die, Jia Ying, die*

This past week has been hell. No wait, scratch that. This semester has been hell. First off, it has been a total mistake taking 3 subjects. Padan muka lah you! But yeah, the assignments are killing me. Its like a neverending flow of tasks that keeps coming and coming and coming and coming no matter how many you pass up. Then there's the fact that I have the conference thingy to worry about. But that I'm not complaining. I honestly learnt a lot, and we're only still taking off. Then there's the fact that you're not here. Like not here not here. Haven't gotten used to that yet, and I doubt I ever will.

It's been really really hard, but I lived through 3 weeks without you haven't I? I think I can live through the 3 years. But dammmmmmmmmnn, imisssssshhhhhhsssyouuuuuuu.

Okay if I keep blabbling I'm not gonna have time to finish my Mass Com Assignment! OMG *iwanttostabmyself*Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom ;p

JY
I am addicted to buttocks.

I need to blab; I know this is so freaking random and I know I should feel really bad for abandoning my blog until I'm about to burst and need a place to pour out my amplituding emotions; but I don't care, I need to.

*bawls like a baby*

I don't care how childish this sounds; I need you here with me and I don't ever want you to leave. Stay, please, please stay. Then again I don't want you to feel trapped here when I know you could do so well in somewhere else. So I'm gonna stay strong, fix a smile on my face and wave you goodbye.

You're not like an assignment I loathe doing, I can't push this to the end of my mind and go: Ok, I don't wanna think about this anymore. Tell me how not to think about you. I've fallen into your trap and I can't pull myself out. Time is scary, time changes a lot. However much however hard we try, however sincerely we say 'I won't change', how can we be so sure? This is something I don't ever want to end. But the feeling, deep inside me, the feeling that I know one day I'd have to end it before you, is eating me up. I am really really tired of people leaving all the time; I don't do well with goodbyes. I hate people dying, I hate sending people off to the airport if I know I will not see them for a period of years. I hate departures, I hate the leave and the emptyness. I hate you, I hate you for letting me fall so deep into you. But also I am madly, unconditionally, truly head-over-heels in love with you, as I know you are with me. That is why I'd hate you for leaving, and I'd hate myself for leaving too.

JY
ineedya

Craaaaaaaaaaap.

" lie on the stone cold floor and mourn with me; let the cold of the tiles eat into your heart, instead of emotional coldness, feel it physically. can't stand it, too cold. pry your hands away, unstick your back from the still tiles. shower. need a shower. twist the lever to the left, let the burning hot water run though you. feel it burn your back. like knives, slicing and stabbing you. red, burned, raw. raw. peel away the guilt. burn it away, every inch of it - every inch of you. done. now, plaster on a fake smile and walk on. "

psychotic feelings creeps me out; i scare even me sometimes.

JY

At the end of the day it wouldn't matter how tired and down and disappointed I was at the world, and how I thought that no one actually cares. Because no matter how sorry I felt at myself, I always feel better; and I know I would always want my bad days to end like that, around your arms or on your shoulder, and always in your heart.

JY

i think i love you

Ponder: How many of you actually prayed for Japan when you hit the retweet button for #prayforJapan ?

如果2012年真的是世界末日
我没有遗憾；因为我会死在最青春最阳光的年龄
我没有遗憾；因为我受过伤而变得坚强
我爱过，也被爱过
我认真的活过，也疯狂的浪费过
我笑过，哭过，也感动过
我有很爱我的家人，也有非常支持我的朋友
如果2012年真的是世界末日
我会很感恩，因为我不会一个人走
我想死的很安祥，很自然，很干净
我想留下我最漂亮的一面，我最纯洁的灵魂
如果2012年真的是世界末日
我会很美丽的死去

*我不相信2012的预言，但是我会抱着这个态度很精彩的活下去。:)

i finished 'Flowers For Algernon' by Daniel Keyes. i have to say it's a pretty good book, but it took me longer than usual to finish it. i haven't properly finish a book since 2009, like seriously. last year cuz of SPMs mostly i jump through chapters of favourite books, short stories collections, compilations etc. mostly i rely on audiobooks, but it really isn't like real reading. *digress*

so finishing 'Flowers for Algernon' somewhat makes me feel heavy. its the story i suppose, and the way that it was written. the writing style grows with the inclining plot, like the spelling corrections and the punctuations as Charlie's IQ raises. and i like the ending, it's unexpected.
... ok why does this feel like i'm making a review about the book? -.-

dot dot dots. these days i feel very easily pissed off and i'm feeling a bit sick. this afternoon i was super hungry, ordered rice. but when the food came i looked at it and felt like puking. what the toot is wrong with me? i think i'm going to be sick.

i'm not sure about anything anymore. thank you for making me smile all this while, but i'm afraid it will turn into something more. i think what i feel is right, but u might not think this way. i don't know what is real anymore. baby make it real for me please.

JY

Ok i really have nothing to talk about; mainly i just wanna push down the 'thats it' post. Imagine people come read and the first thing they see is 'Thats it. Enough is enough.' So solemn and unfriendly-looking.

Sigh, i would have thought that after SPMs i would be updating my blog like mad cuz i'd finally have the time to actually sit down and type. Wrong wrong wrong. When i was busy i'd have loads of feelings and complaints and rants and a lot of updates. You see i'm now doing nothing(yet) and so i'm not feeling like anything and i literaly have nothing to talk about. You see! Even this sounds bullshitty and long winded. But nevermind.

12th Jan. Went backpacking with the brother and AJ. We were supposed to follow the heritage trail but we ended up walking along Armenian Street only then walked to Fort Cornwallis. I didn't planned this trip for a very long time, it was super spontaneous; i just felt like exploring Penang for a bit and so the next day we went. So unlike me. I'm too lazy for details, but pictures are in my Facebook. Oh yes, we discovered a second hand bookshop in Penang! Excited excited excited. Am going ASAP.

13th Jan. Accompanied the brother to British Counsil and Studylink for enquiries; i thought it was gonna take so freaking long so i lepas someone's aeroplane. But in the end we finished everything before 3 so we ended up in 1st Avenue for 'great day'. I felt pretty good after that cuz the brother was reluctant to watch it and i convienced him. When we came out he ate his words and said it was a really good movie. I was all like :D

So i sort of felt sort of emo last night. The offer from Uni of Tasmania came for my brother like finally. I was happy for him and all, but all the same i was feeling sort of emo cuz it means he'll be leaving in less than 3 weeks. :'( *sniff* My brother has been coming and going for 7 years now, ever since he started high school, but somehow this time's leaving seemed more real cuz he has been home for the last half a year, and this is the furthest away he'll be going. And then through all the emoness i remember i'll be leaving next year too, for my degree, and i get even more emo. What the hell is wrong with me. But credits to someone i went to sleep in a good mood. :)

So excuse me for this totally pointless rant post, but i really have nothing else to say.

JY

THAT'S IT. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
My Facebook account, my Twitter page, My blog. They are an outpost of my moods and feelings, laments and rants from my non-existent life. I never opposed to anyone reading my blog before, I even 'friended' family, relatives, family friends, teachers, etc on Facebook - WHICH MOST PEOPLE MY AGE REFUSE TO DO - and I think that gesture alone is a sign of my respect to you; I don't only want you to look upon me as a niece, a cousin, a younger generation in the family, but also as a friend. So please. Please please please, don't destroy the bit of respect I have for you. Social networks are to let people know what you are up to, a thread to connect us all, a place to keep in touch. I let people know what I am doing in my life, BUT YOU DON'T EFFING REPORT TO THE WORLD MY EVERY SINGLE STATUS AND POST. Seriously, if you guys like to spread news that much, go work in a newspaper company. I statused that I'm currently looking for a part time job, the next day, EVERY FAMILY MEMBER IS DISCUSSING IT BEHIND MY BACK. I don't mind if you ask me about it in front of me, but nooooo. You talk about it behind my back, and then twists the truth, come up with your own clever conclusion, and continue spreading the manipulated news. Seriously, I thought these things only happen in high school and movies. Have you ever considered the fact that if you are actually important enough or that IT IS ACTUALLY YOUR BUSINESS AT ALL, I WOULD TELL YOU PERSONALLY. So please, don't breach the respect that I have for you all.

And for the last time, stop being so over-protective/over-sensitive. I don't open up my private life in social networks, I preserve an appropriate amount of privacy. I don't tell the world "I have my period today! It's late :( "or "who who who kissed me!" or "I have 36F boobies!" or "I live in 123, Lorong kulit, 45600. Come rob me! ;) " Jesus Christ (sowee) chillax, people.

ps: If you're so lame that you are actually wondering whether someone really kissed me today or whether I indeed got my period late, you are SERIOUSLY being over-protective/over-sensitive and I will be careful NEVER to tell you even a single detail of my life ever again.

STOP STALKING ME.
Thankyouverymuch.

JY

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS!

Sorry this is so damn late; but it's so boring that I don't feel like updating. It's been like hell these days, like living under a well. Grandma's birthday dinner went okay, the family photos are (pffft!) dark and not nice cuz we didn't go to a studio(I am tempted but I'm not gonna say I told you so to the mother's face), and the cousins and aunts went back to KL. Carb fest OVAHHH! Oh, speaking of which, I so need to lose the pounds I packed on these few days. *guilty much* =/ Been watching Marry Me, Mary for the past few days. Quite good I guess. Other than that not really doing anything much. Ok, I've got nothing else to say for now; I'm gonna go continue doing nothing. To those of you who's been living an interesting life, BOO ON YOU! ;p

JY